Friday, October 25th, 2002
|
|
1:53 am
|
New journal. A friends only one. This is my final entry in Xenostar.
Email me at "xerophobia@phayze.com" or IM me "Data Shell 10010" to get my new address. You won't find out any other way.
current mood:  bitchy
current music: tv - SNL
|
|
|
|
Thursday, October 24th, 2002
|
|
4:52 pm
|
Dana is FINALLY going to jail. So that means I'll get to work alot within the next month! Fuck yes!
I've decided with the first $100 I make I'm getting DDR 2nd Mix (just to start with), and this pad. Simply because it says "If you like burning calories while you play, this pad will help you burn more calories than ever before."
I also intend to buy a basic soft pad so I can play with people when they come over. Even though no one likes DDR around here. I can always drag them over Alex's.
current mood:  excited
current music: tv - G Gundam
|
|
|
|
|
1:43 am
|
Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?
Good song, but then again I like her entire CD...well with the exceptions of Complicated, and Sk8er Boi. Those songs...ew.
I think I'm finally coming out of my emptyness coma...
current mood: hopeful
current music: Avril Lavigne - Naked
|
|
|
|
|
12:02 am
|
God, seriously what the fuck?
Maybe I'm not ment to be alone but I can't even talk to the person who'se supposed to prove me otherwise about things.
I'm slightly better and it's useless seeing as I lack anyone to converse with about it all. Anyone being Adrienne.
I'm also having second thoughts about getting stoned this weekend. I've been doing so well, you know? A year and a half clean. I mean especially drinking. Lately in my head I've been thinking of throwing my morals to the wind and just falling back on old habits. I'm better than I once was...uhm, arn't I?
I guess I just need to figure things out in time...yuck.
On the bright side I cleaned my room pretty well. I remember Shawn laughing and saying it couldn't be done. Well you're wrong bitch!
I think I feel like sleeping...weird to do at this hour. It's only midnight.
current mood: hopeful
current music: tv - DBZ
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
|
|
10:36 pm
|
I'm a loner. Really, that's all. I belong alone.
I'm considering taking up some new habits that ensure a short life span.
current mood:  tired
current music: tv - Jackass Special
|
|
|
|
|
3:26 pm
|
Hah, who even gives a shit how I feel.
And whoever reads this, don't claim you do...I know better.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Eminem - Stan
|
|
|
|
|
1:35 am
|
I don't understand this at all. It's nearly like I've died inside again. I wasn't sure this would ever come back. My life, it's exactly the same as it was 3 weeks ago. But I'm not. I'm just...in a drift. Autopilot if you will. I am not really all that aware of anything. And to be honest...I dislike it.
current mood:  guilty
current music: tv - SNL
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
|
|
3:38 am
|
Yep...still feeling empty. But alot of Faygo and pixie sticks has lead me into a mad sugar rush tonight. I think I want to make images now! *goes off to do that*
current mood:  ditzy
current music: Dir en Grey - Cage
|
|
|
|
Monday, October 21st, 2002
|
|
4:40 pm
|
Still empty.
I need to find out what's missing.
current mood: nauseated
current music: tv - DBZ
|
|
|
|
|
1:49 am
|
Made a new icon and took pictures tonight. Can't say that I'm thrilled to be alive yet though.
current mood: crappy
|
|
|
|
Sunday, October 20th, 2002
|
|
10:58 pm
|
There is a crapload of stuff on my mind I've realized.
I think/KNOW I'm going to be haunted for the rest of my life and I really don't get it.
I'm haunted by something that doesn't even make sense! It's like "Hi, you're going to be depressed simply because you are human!" Fuck that. But I have realized I don't have enough time to myself....I'm not sure how to deal with that.
current mood: drained
|
|
|
|
|
10:48 pm
|
Crap...I need advice.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: tv - Being Eve
|
|
|
|
|
5:50 am
|
I'm convinced nothing is worth my time. I just want to lay in bed until my life ends....but instead I'll live my life...distant...cold...and fuck. Who cares?
current mood: discontent
|
|
|
|
Saturday, October 19th, 2002
|
|
4:05 am
|
So...alot on my mind. Adrienne's father found my journal. Invasion of privacy? YES! I'm sorry but my journal is not intended for the parents of my friends to read and get a bad outlook on me from. But I will not censor myself just because he's small minded enough to think bisexuals are sick. I am who I am. Shove it!
Today wasn't too great with Adrienne and I either, she ended up...crying. I never thought I'd have to see another girl cry because of me. It's foolish. But...I don't wnat her depending on me to a point where she'd cry because I'm slightly distant for a night. That's not what makes a good relationship, and if things get weird like that I'd rather us just be friends. While you were crying you were being slightly irrational and hard to calm down. Honestly that's when feelings can get mixed up to a point where love sours. And I'd sooner take a break than say goodbye to you forever.
So I'm home now. Shawn and I went to Taco Bell at like one AM. We got a crapload of food I guess. I read over some of Shawn's songs. They are really good, except they have the theme of if emptyness and self loathing. Something that seems to be all too common. We need to work on something everyone can relate to, and is not often discussed. Maybe...uh...cheese? Eh we'll think of something.
Shawn is asleep on my bed. My dad fell asleep on the couch. And I sit on the edge of my bed thinking for the life of me where I should sleep. Maybe in the empty dining room on the floor? Fuck...I don't really like this concept. I've got to be up kinda early since we're going to Ann Arbor decently early tomorrow. And I need to wash clothes before we leave. Rah! But oh well. Shawn just smeared his hand all over his face while sleeping, snorted, and stopped moving again. Weirdass.
I'm concerned about this Adrienne thing on a few levels.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back
|
|
|
|
Friday, October 18th, 2002
|
|
12:17 am
|
( Sexish Quizzes )
current mood: horny
current music: Chevelle - The Red
|
|
|
|
Thursday, October 17th, 2002
|
|
3:53 am
|
So earlier today I went to David's. Played D&D with David, Shawn, and Josh. Josh was much cooler than David's other friend Dillion. And one of the few other guys I've seen that had painted nails recently. I feel like the last of a dying trend with my nails. Especially sporting long painted nails.
Anyway after that Shawn came over here, and we played GTA3. Fun. We talked for a while about what we're going to do band wise. We're both going to sing. We just need to pull our shit together. Also he's paying for my Flaw ticket and I'm paying him back. And if Flaw's sold out (which it won't be) we're going to find another show to go to. We've decided to go to Ann Arbor on Saturday. I need to pull some bling together because even if I'm not driving or paying for parking it's still like a million dollars for cool crap.
I need to stop eating so much.
Tomorrow I'm going to Shawn's work at 11:30-11:45 to ask them about a job. Then at 12 it's Shawn's lunch break. So I'll probably hang out with him for that half hour. but I have 6 hours to sleep so I am going to bed now.
current music: Tatu - All The Things She Said
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
|
|
3:14 am
|
So the cool chick Julia is, she's going to be nice enough to let me write for her Mindfuck blog. Which is actually a good idea to express any intellect I have. Believe it or not. Oh look, me saying words of value. Eh I hope. But it still should prove eventful.
current mood: satisfied
current music: tv - Kids in the Hall
|
|
|
|
|
2:34 am
|
Oh sweet Jesus!!! Look at Pink's stomach in the video for family portrait!!! It's like god of all stomachs!
She's officially inspired me to actually try to work out my stomach more.
I was supposed to sleep but stomachs are more important?
Also I'm obsessed with the song I'm listening to right now. (look at current music dumbass)
current mood: envious
current music: Res - They Say Vision
|
|
|
|
|
12:07 am
|
I've been thinking...alot. And...I don't think I like people knowing me. Like...knowing who I really am. I have lost my shell. I don't hide behind my appearance anymore. Because honestly I've been losing interest in interesting looks lately. I mean not really but I think that since I don't have a job really I don't have a right to have any hair I want, or pierce myself or anything I would normally keep myself behind.
I also dislike how...behind I feel without a job or money. I swear it's going to be impossible to get hired without my GED...that's really probably why Shawn's job never called me. That or they really were creeped out by my nail polish. I just...I'm not happy because being uncirtian of where my funds are coming from frightens me.
Tomorrow we're playing D&D. George said he'd come...hopefully he doesn't let me down again. But I need to talk to him and tell him to come earlier because Shawn is taking the day off work so we can all play earlier I guess. I don't know.
I want to hang out with Julia really bad for some weird reason.
current mood:  scared
current music: Madonna - Die Another Day
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
|
|
9:56 pm
|
What annoying downriver kid are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I don't much care for Joel anyway. I swear that kid's head is too small for his body!
So I was playing Alex in Tekken and well I won. Like we played in three sections. We played, he won. We watched death to smoochy. THen we played again I was winning badly so he freaked out and ended up erasing the score in his insane panic. So I won. Then we fought one last section. I won 40 rounds, and Alex won 38. So all in all I am the winner.
We had a nice talk. It was fun but I wish I could've had more advice. But he asked me a question I really couldn't answer.
I wish Adrienne were online.
current mood:  curious
current music: tv - Real World
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xenostar's journal