X

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 06:00:27 GMT

New journal. A friends only one. This is my final entry in Xenostar.

Email me at "xerophobia@phayze.com" or IM me "Data Shell 10010" to get my new address. You won't find out any other way.

Thu, 24 Oct 2002 20:59:59 GMT

Dana is FINALLY going to jail. So that means I'll get to work alot within the next month! Fuck yes!

I've decided with the first $100 I make I'm getting DDR 2nd Mix (just to start with), and this pad. Simply because it says "If you like burning calories while you play, this pad will help you burn more calories than ever before."

I also intend to buy a basic soft pad so I can play with people when they come over. Even though no one likes DDR around here. I can always drag them over Alex's.

Thu, 24 Oct 2002 05:49:40 GMT

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

Good song, but then again I like her entire CD...well with the exceptions of Complicated, and Sk8er Boi. Those songs...ew.

I think I'm finally coming out of my emptyness coma...

Thu, 24 Oct 2002 04:10:35 GMT

God, seriously what the fuck?

Maybe I'm not ment to be alone but I can't even talk to the person who'se supposed to prove me otherwise about things.

I'm slightly better and it's useless seeing as I lack anyone to converse with about it all. Anyone being Adrienne.

I'm also having second thoughts about getting stoned this weekend. I've been doing so well, you know? A year and a half clean. I mean especially drinking. Lately in my head I've been thinking of throwing my morals to the wind and just falling back on old habits. I'm better than I once was...uhm, arn't I?

I guess I just need to figure things out in time...yuck.

On the bright side I cleaned my room pretty well. I remember Shawn laughing and saying it couldn't be done. Well you're wrong bitch!

I think I feel like sleeping...weird to do at this hour. It's only midnight.

Thu, 24 Oct 2002 02:44:44 GMT

I'm a loner. Really, that's all. I belong alone.

I'm considering taking up some new habits that ensure a short life span.

Wed, 23 Oct 2002 19:33:30 GMT

Hah, who even gives a shit how I feel.

And whoever reads this, don't claim you do...I know better.

Wed, 23 Oct 2002 05:39:42 GMT

I don't understand this at all. It's nearly like I've died inside again. I wasn't sure this would ever come back. My life, it's exactly the same as it was 3 weeks ago. But I'm not. I'm just...in a drift. Autopilot if you will. I am not really all that aware of anything. And to be honest...I dislike it.

Tue, 22 Oct 2002 07:43:14 GMT

Yep...still feeling empty. But alot of Faygo and pixie sticks has lead me into a mad sugar rush tonight. I think I want to make images now! *goes off to do that*

Mon, 21 Oct 2002 20:45:58 GMT

Still empty.

I need to find out what's missing.

Mon, 21 Oct 2002 05:53:55 GMT

Made a new icon and took pictures tonight. Can't say that I'm thrilled to be alive yet though.

Mon, 21 Oct 2002 03:07:53 GMT

There is a crapload of stuff on my mind I've realized.
I think/KNOW I'm going to be haunted for the rest of my life and I really don't get it.

I'm haunted by something that doesn't even make sense! It's like "Hi, you're going to be depressed simply because you are human!" Fuck that. But I have realized I don't have enough time to myself....I'm not sure how to deal with that.

Mon, 21 Oct 2002 02:52:49 GMT

Crap...I need advice.

Sun, 20 Oct 2002 09:55:56 GMT

I'm convinced nothing is worth my time. I just want to lay in bed until my life ends....but instead I'll live my life...distant...cold...and fuck. Who cares?

Sat, 19 Oct 2002 08:18:33 GMT

So...alot on my mind. Adrienne's father found my journal. Invasion of privacy? YES! I'm sorry but my journal is not intended for the parents of my friends to read and get a bad outlook on me from. But I will not censor myself just because he's small minded enough to think bisexuals are sick. I am who I am. Shove it!

Today wasn't too great with Adrienne and I either, she ended up...crying. I never thought I'd have to see another girl cry because of me. It's foolish. But...I don't wnat her depending on me to a point where she'd cry because I'm slightly distant for a night. That's not what makes a good relationship, and if things get weird like that I'd rather us just be friends. While you were crying you were being slightly irrational and hard to calm down. Honestly that's when feelings can get mixed up to a point where love sours. And I'd sooner take a break than say goodbye to you forever.

So I'm home now. Shawn and I went to Taco Bell at like one AM. We got a crapload of food I guess. I read over some of Shawn's songs. They are really good, except they have the theme of if emptyness and self loathing. Something that seems to be all too common. We need to work on something everyone can relate to, and is not often discussed. Maybe...uh...cheese? Eh we'll think of something.

Shawn is asleep on my bed. My dad fell asleep on the couch. And I sit on the edge of my bed thinking for the life of me where I should sleep. Maybe in the empty dining room on the floor? Fuck...I don't really like this concept. I've got to be up kinda early since we're going to Ann Arbor decently early tomorrow. And I need to wash clothes before we leave. Rah! But oh well. Shawn just smeared his hand all over his face while sleeping, snorted, and stopped moving again. Weirdass.

I'm concerned about this Adrienne thing on a few levels.

Fri, 18 Oct 2002 04:22:09 GMT

You Are A Romantic Kisser!

You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.

How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

*shrugs* This is probably true.

Your Secret Fetish Is Shemales!

Tits on top, dick on the bottom... It's the new white meat!

You may be inspiring to be a shemale yourself,

or perhaps you just like to find them to fuck.

There's nothing better than a sexual Transformer!
</a>

*cough*

Nope. Definitely not bisexual. Thank you for trying ;)

Although you only like to eat one kind of meat,

that doesn't mean you are any less of a sexual gourmand.

You just choose only the finest of dicks/breasts

(whichever strikes your particular gender's fancy)

and enjoy them with the style and panache that ideally suits you.
</a>

This is vague, it's either telling me I'm gay or straight. It doesn't even say which!

How Does *Your* Dick Rate?

Uhm, thank...you?

You Are a Drag Queen!

You are a Drag Queen.

MAC makeup, hairspray, binding your cock between your legs... Sound familar?

You are as womanly as they come, with a secret package for your for lover to unwrap.

Don't let that facial stubble at the end of the night getbyou down.

No one can tell in a dark club.
</a></div>
w00t!

You Are a Goth!

You're so gothically outrageous, and you aren't afraid to flaunt it.

Whether you dress up like Robert Smith or a tragic Little Bo Peep,

chances are that you'll be parading around with the rest of the goths at Yoyogi Park on Sunday.

Don't forget your white makeup and blue lipstick! Who knows?

You may just get picked up by one of the seedy photographers.
</a>

FUCK YOU!

Congratulations / Bloody Hell!! You Are Pregnant!

</a>

Uh, how exactly does that work?

Your Sex Life's Way Below Average!

Count how many times you've had sex,

Chances are that it's just a few.

You hardly ever get any. So...

Logoff and find someone to do!
</a>

Funny how true this is

You Are a Wild Woman!

Put down the whip and unlace those come-fuck-me boots!

You definitely qualify as kinky - and not just occasionally.

You've exhausted every fantasy, but you're always open to new ones.

Your sexual encounters are usually spiced with role-play, bondage, new positions,
props, and fun fetishes.
</a>

I fail to remember being a woman.

You Are a Cybernormal!

You know how to find all the online action.

But you only respond if you have a strong attraction.

You've got to step up, if you want to get down or dirty.

Or you might not get laid again - until you're 30!
</a>

Yay?

You Have a Hooker Ass!

Watch out honey!

Your ass can make money.

If you want to score a couple bills,

Offer it up and take some pain pills.

W...h..a..t?

Wrong starsign but accurate none the less.

Thu, 17 Oct 2002 08:05:34 GMT

So earlier today I went to David's. Played D&D with David, Shawn, and Josh. Josh was much cooler than David's other friend Dillion. And one of the few other guys I've seen that had painted nails recently. I feel like the last of a dying trend with my nails. Especially sporting long painted nails.

Anyway after that Shawn came over here, and we played GTA3. Fun. We talked for a while about what we're going to do band wise. We're both going to sing. We just need to pull our shit together. Also he's paying for my Flaw ticket and I'm paying him back. And if Flaw's sold out (which it won't be) we're going to find another show to go to. We've decided to go to Ann Arbor on Saturday. I need to pull some bling together because even if I'm not driving or paying for parking it's still like a million dollars for cool crap.

I need to stop eating so much.

Tomorrow I'm going to Shawn's work at 11:30-11:45 to ask them about a job. Then at 12 it's Shawn's lunch break. So I'll probably hang out with him for that half hour. but I have 6 hours to sleep so I am going to bed now.

Wed, 16 Oct 2002 07:25:02 GMT

So the cool chick Julia is, she's going to be nice enough to let me write for her Mindfuck blog. Which is actually a good idea to express any intellect I have. Believe it or not. Oh look, me saying words of value. Eh I hope. But it still should prove eventful.

Wed, 16 Oct 2002 06:40:55 GMT

Oh sweet Jesus!!! Look at Pink's stomach in the video for family portrait!!! It's like god of all stomachs!

She's officially inspired me to actually try to work out my stomach more.

I was supposed to sleep but stomachs are more important?

Also I'm obsessed with the song I'm listening to right now. (look at current music dumbass)

Wed, 16 Oct 2002 04:18:32 GMT

I've been thinking...alot. And...I don't think I like people knowing me. Like...knowing who I really am. I have lost my shell. I don't hide behind my appearance anymore. Because honestly I've been losing interest in interesting looks lately. I mean not really but I think that since I don't have a job really I don't have a right to have any hair I want, or pierce myself or anything I would normally keep myself behind.

I also dislike how...behind I feel without a job or money. I swear it's going to be impossible to get hired without my GED...that's really probably why Shawn's job never called me. That or they really were creeped out by my nail polish. I just...I'm not happy because being uncirtian of where my funds are coming from frightens me.

Tomorrow we're playing D&D. George said he'd come...hopefully he doesn't let me down again. But I need to talk to him and tell him to come earlier because Shawn is taking the day off work so we can all play earlier I guess. I don't know.

I want to hang out with Julia really bad for some weird reason.

Wed, 16 Oct 2002 02:06:59 GMT

What annoying downriver kid are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I don't much care for Joel anyway. I swear that kid's head is too small for his body!

So I was playing Alex in Tekken and well I won. Like we played in three sections. We played, he won. We watched death to smoochy. THen we played again I was winning badly so he freaked out and ended up erasing the score in his insane panic. So I won. Then we fought one last section. I won 40 rounds, and Alex won 38. So all in all I am the winner.

We had a nice talk. It was fun but I wish I could've had more advice. But he asked me a question I really couldn't answer.

I wish Adrienne were online.

Tue, 15 Oct 2002 07:18:34 GMT

I've been drawing all night. I drew a picture of Adrienne to give to her. Even though it's anime styled and she's not too keen on that. Still it's a cool picture. But I accidently drew it in my new sketchbook that I got today. And I kinda don't want to tear pages out. So I traced it on another paper for her. Yep.

Even though things suck occasionally...I don't know. I'm convinced maybe nothing is that bad. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't think I ever will either just because...well there are a crap load of reasons. But I don't want to seem pathetic.

Tomorrow is the Tekken 4 tourniment Alex and I have been planning. Shawn kicked my ass in Tekken 4 the other day though. I believe Shawn has a supernatural gift for gaming. As dumb as that sounds. But he's too good at everything. But Alex. Ah Alex, I remember our Tekkening at Laser Quest.

"You want me to give you a quarter, so you can masturbate in front of my child?" - Dave Foley

(I'm also convinced Elijah Blue does not answer his IMs...lazy bastard. He won't even accept my monkey!)

Tue, 15 Oct 2002 01:57:52 GMT

{sarcasm} Yay for bad moods and sadness. {/sarcasm}
{serious} Yay for sketch and anime books. {/serious}

Mon, 14 Oct 2002 07:40:53 GMT

Ganked from nyxisnet out of bordom.

Smoke?: Negative
Do drugs?: Negative again.
Have sex?: Not casual sex, but..uh...I really don't know the answer here because of a zillion complications, rules, and non specifics into the question.
Sleep with stuffed animals?: I hug a pillow actually.
Live in the moment?: Yes, but when the moment isn't too eventful I think of the future.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Statue of Liberty seems to be a re-occuring theme in my dreams.
Play an instrument?: Yeah.
Believe there is life on other planets: Yes, and it makes me cry, literally. Even when I see fake aliens in movies, if they seem real enough I cry.
Remember your first love?: Love, complicated word. So...uh...maybe?
Still love her/him?: If it was really Kristen, which I doubt but I can't say because I really am not sure...but if that's the case than uh no.
Read the newspaper?: Nope
Believe in miracles?: I believe in alot of things, yes.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: I've never had a problem being faithful. Even to someone I don't care about.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Not at all.
Consider love a mistake?: If you misjudge yes.
Like the taste of alcohol?: Depending. Jack Daniels, yes. Vodka makes me dry heave though.
Have a favorite candy?: Gobstoppers, or mint gum.
Believe in astrology?: I don't believe in horoscopes, but I do believe planets aligning has to do with how your mood is at times. But I believe it's per person, not per birthdate.
Believe in God?: Yes.
Believe in magic?: Illusions, not magic.
Pray?: Sometimes.
Go to church?: Nope.
Have any pets?: ...My mom has my kitty kitty Cleo. I miss that kitty.
Talk to strangers who IM you?: Yes, unless they seem intensely stupid, then I make fun of them, or get a friend to bug them. *sighs* (sorry Sarah memory)
Wear hats?: To work I wear a baseball cap, and I often wear my durby hat around.
Have any piercings?: Just my ears. I had three more in other places...well...four if you count the same one twice.
Have any tattoos?: My blue and silver lines.
Hate yourself?: Often, but not right now.
Have an obsession?: Yes, alot of them.
Have a secret crush?: Nope. Just Adrienne pants. And that hasn't been a secret since the day I met her.
Collect anything?: *thinks* I guess not. Maybe Mana and Shakira pictures.
Have (a) best friend(s)?: Adrienne, and Shawn. Other people are in the process of earning my trust back.
Wish on stars?: Nah.
Like your handwriting?: It's ok, kinda sloppy but in a good way.
Have any bad habits?: Haha...Yeah and it's getting out of hand.
Care about looks?: Yeah actually I do. Alot.
Believe in witches?: Hhaahahahahahah No.
Believe in Satan?: Eh, not really.
Believe in ghosts?: I've lived with more than enough of them than to dare think otherwise.

Mon, 14 Oct 2002 05:26:11 GMT

Are you ok?

I dunno, I'm kinda fucked up in general so it's hard to gauge.

Death To Smoochy. I've been wanting to see it forever, now I have...and well I must admit I'm happy.

I really hope Adrienne gets better. Temperatures of 104 are NOT what I consider good. I'm worried.

Sun, 13 Oct 2002 16:43:30 GMT

I was randomly reading over my old dail journal.
I realized I liked myself back then more than now.
Like I hated how pathetic and desperate I was.
Especially for all the wrong reason.
But I was actually still one to be enjoyed.
Too me anyway...I kind of want to go back to that.